The house is filled with deafening sound. My head is throbbing with the long hours in front of computer editing and encoding for the book I'm currently writing. More so to bury myself in the world of nothingness while doing something worthwhile.
Just a few hours ago, I've been out to do some stuffs. It was a nice feeling to walk in colorful streets adorned with Christmas ornaments. My heart swell with Christmas spirit.
Christmas has that distinctive effect that makes your heart overflow with longing to things you have no power to control. It evokes wistful feeling that usually put you at the end feeling dismal.
Inside the prison of myself, I see a different me. Maybe it was the turbulent of emotions that flooded over my soul, but for whatever reason, I feel like I need respite again from this tumultuous stage.
Have I lost then, the ability to enjoy the nostalgia and homeliness of traditional Christmas?
I don't know. I could count again and again my blessings. I could make a long list of people who love me. But, there is that void in the quiet corner of my heart which a simple "Merry Christmas" can't mend.
My hope did not falter, don't get me wrong. But, sometimes life necessitate candor in order to unravel the seam of optimism and misfortune.
The tearful grimace of my dismal heart perseveres its slow pace. However, there is that bigger part where faith and gratitude reside.
In His right time, I could overpower this thing where I'll emerge victor.
I was so disheartened by the message about the death of a friend's mom. I could almost taste again the stab of pain when almost six years ago, I also lost my father.
Death is a hideous enemy. Nothing could fill the void in one's heart brought by the death of loved ones. Years after still feels like yesterday. More so when you knew that he/she suffered excruciating pain brought by illness like cancer.
The paradoxical complexities of life are hard to grasp at times. Conversely, it was barely six months ago when I too, was also diagnosed with the Big C. I vividly remember that moment when in desperation I just crossed my hands and wallowed in self-pity.
I was bereft with emotions especially when asked, "What else I haven't done yet?", then I found myself amidst churning emotions and then...nothing...just emptiness knowing that I have served my purpose already.
Consequently, some welcome death as relief from agony. The gust of wind that touched one's face was sort of an assertion that somewhere out there our loved ones continue to live in a different realm...
Death is neither a grief nor a celebration. Life begins in pain and accordingly it must also end the same way.
However, life's pain is evanescent. Each of us must have that moment where everything will be left behind. It's like a dance where at the final moment we knew the steps by heart lest we will be trounced by woe.
Then, we let ourselves be engulfed by the melody of music...
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My sister woke me up from a deep slumber early today because of a phone call. It was a taxing thing to do every morning since the medicines I'm taking make me feel very sleepy. Usually, I would wake up 10 or 11 or else I would feel drowsy the whole day.
However, I opted to fight back sleepiness and answered the call. It's really nothing so I decided to go back dreaming. But the sleep became elusive so I sat down in front of the computer and check email.
Voila! The biggest surprise of the day!
Finally, I received an email answering my inquiry from the assistant director of writing center in one university in New York granting me permission to refer to their website for the book I am currently writing.
It was a humbling moment knowing there are people who are willing to help other people start their dream.
At the same time, that ember of tiny hope in my heart was ignited again into a giant flame of optimistic thinking.
Whilst some of my thoughts are not always happy moments, just the same they are thoughts that make me more appreciative of things like this.
The wind was howling as I woke up this morning. However, the bad weather did not dampen the sense of elation in my heart.
It's another day of taking medicines, feeling pang of pain and yet my heart is filled with apparent hope. Could it be because I've finished five pages yesterday for my book? Perhaps the playful bantering of words with my niece? Maybe it's the email full of encouragement from a friend?
For whatever reason, I woke up differently from the previous days. The tapestry of miseries has finally ended. For once, I could feel my heart has been lit up.
Life comprises trials and tribulations. What is important is we continue to live with hope in our heart.
See the stars at night? They will continue to light the tiny hope within me whenever I feel that the world is about to crumble. Life doesn't always have melancholic ending.
Footsteps stealthy on the stair,
Sweet-voiced carols in the air,
Stocking hanging in a row,
My heart believes there's a happy Christmas after all.
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It is so natural to declare to the whole world that you love God with all your heart whenever life is going on as planned. But, whenever life beseeched you with uncertainties and you are in constant pain, your faith is being taken into another level.
It's barely three days after I was out of the O.R but it seemed like just an hour ago when I was in agony again.
It was terrible going through the same process of being subjected to constant examination and pain.
Friends and family were there to surround me with love and prayers but the truth remains, I need to take this trudge of misery alone.
The faith resides in my heart but it is the will to see this through that's slowly unwavering.
I continuously seek for my sanctuary where I'll find peace within. Meanwhile, the solitary trek endures...
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