Dear God,
As futile as it may sound, I want to say sorry for constantly blaming you in everything bad that happened to me. It seems such a long time ago when I started doing it that I lost count of the instances I needed to blame you so as to feel better.
I vividly remember that first time I was crying feeling so despondent when I was about six years old because of being scolded by my brother. I blamed you then. At my age, I was thinking that ‘God’ could do everything so you must be responsible for my pain.
That time when my mother brought me to this rich relative and she was showing off high-tech appliances, I blamed you then. Why did you not make us richer so we could have things like what they enjoyed?
When my two sisters and I had chicken pox and I had the most severe case, I blamed you then. How could you see me suffering with all the blisters on my little body?
During one of the times that I was walking on the way to school, and my shoe opened up. I looked up and sighed blaming you again. Why couldn’t you give me enough to have a decent life?
When disappointments over family matters came in succession and I was feeling helpless to do anything about them, I blamed you then. I was old enough to understand things but not wise enough to acknowledge you had nothing to do with our problems since we were responsible for our own actions.
During one essay writing contest and I was praying so intently to win because of the prize and I failed, I blamed you then. How could you deny me of the very things I needed so badly?
When I had barely enough to finance my college education, I blamed you then. How could you repudiate something I was dreaming of since I was a kid?
On that cold night of December 19, 2002, when I got home from a grand Christmas party and I saw my father lifeless in his room covered with a blanket, I blamed you then. I was too angry. Why did you not even let me say my final goodbye to him?
With tears flooding my sheet in the hospital, I blamed you then. Why did you inflict me with a silent scourge that brought me the biggest and the most profound kind of pain ever imaginable physically and mentally?
Then, came one of the biggest blows. My brother died and again I was not able to say my goodbye. With bleeding heart, I blamed you then. Why did you take him 30 minutes before we arrived in the hospital?
More disappointments. More tears. More pains. More sufferings. More blame.
However, never was it known that you leave me whenever I lay the blame on your shoulders. Never that you made me feel that I needed to take the brunt of the blows of life alone. I failed to acknowledge everything that you have done for me because I was too busy blaming you.
I forgot that with all their flaws and imperfections, you have given me a family who have accepted me and supported me in everything. I forgot that without them, I wouldn’t have survived all the ordeals of my life.
I forgot also, that I lost counts of the times that you listened to my prayers to succeed in everything I do. After that essay writing contest wherein I failed, you have given me much more than I would pray for. Medals, trophies, certificates, rare recognitions, YOU gave them all to me. There was even a time that I thought, what? I won? Really? Is God playing favorite? Too many times that winning was impossible yet you made them happen. Because of Your unfailing love for me, you have built these stairways that would pave way for my dreams in life.
I was too busy blaming you that I failed to acknowledge the wisdom of everything. Life is much more colorful and beautiful because of all those intricacies I needed to go through.
I did not only finish college but also my Masters degree. Since graduation, you did not give me any difficulty at all in looking for a job. I had my first job like a dream-a director who was like a father, school officials who are good friends, and co-teachers who made me feel many times they were proud of my accomplishments. After three days of officially resigning, you have opened another door for me to rediscover myself in my second job. Then offer came right after I submitted my resignation letter in my second job. You are too busy making me feel blessed that I lost sight of what is truly essential. Being thankful in all my blessings in life.
But, with all the blames, I never lost faith in You. You have silently held my hands to assure me that you’re busy working for what is good for me. I didn’t get all the paradise of life. But, You did make me feel that I didn’t need to go through difficult times alone.
Dear God, life is a lot better because of You. Life in the future will definitely be more challenging. Probably more pains and disappointments. Maybe my expectations will be crushed to the ground with nothing but bitter regrets left in my heart. But, I know one thing will remain constant, You.
I’m sorry for all the blames. Now, I am ready to move on in another chapter of my life. Thank you for making me strong and never giving up on me.
Love,
Your ‘Not Anymore Lost Child’
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WHO AM I?
It is a paradox that I have looked at myself in deeper perspective only now after more than three decades of existence and what is more ironic is because it is part of a course requirement. I guess, this is a fraction of who am I. The ‘I’ is often ignored because ever since I could remember ‘we’ and ‘they’ hold more responsibilities since they denote more number of people involved.
As a person, I hold true in my heart the most important thing in life, which is leaving a lasting impression of morality and sincerity. With the combination of these two virtues, I am bound to have a life well lived. I do not claim a saintly- life. As a human being, I know that I am fallible. No space can accommodate for details of the mistakes I have done in my life. However, I can claim that the two main ingredients of a contented life are deeply planted in my heart and clearly define who am I as a person.
Being a teacher for me is evidently elucidated in the speech of one of my top students. A teacher embodies the value of her untold influence. It does not merely mean teaching per se but bringing dawn of understanding in the minds and opening hearts for greater yearning to learn. Further, he explicated that through me, he learned the importance of initiative and generosity. That is exactly what a teacher must be. Generous in sharing everything she has even if it means getting drained in the process. The real essence of teaching is creating greater individuals. Probably, bigger than what a teacher is. I can claim with utmost certainty that my former students will be better in their chosen fields in the future. Some seeds last long and I am glad as a teacher to be one of those responsible in planting tiny seeds of knowledge and virtues. Their feats are affirmations of my essence as a teacher.
WHERE AM I?
With the seemingly endless possibilities and changes being thrown to us in this age of technological evolution, I think it is no wonder why I sometimes feel lost in a shuffle. In a social context, I find it incomprehensible that a person may bully her way to fame using the aid of 21st century ways of communication and get away with it easily. Politically, I have this liberal way of thinking. I think that since the people who are in power were elected out of the will of the society, then we must believe with the government’s laws and actions. Though I don’t close the possibility of going to streets should the government abuse their power.
My classroom is usually filled with openness when it comes to ideas. I believe that aside from providing conducive environment for learning, the teacher must also give the students opportunities to express themselves without inhibitions. Though I get so strict at times, I make sure it is within reasons.
I was practically raised as a Catholic. Coincidently, my first and current jobs are both in Catholic schools. Thus, the way of my teaching and belief is greatly influenced by Catholic beliefs.
Where am I then? At the heart of the dreams I have carefully woven for many years.
WHAT’S NEXT?
Ever since I started teaching, I have this very strong conviction to give only the best in this field. Thus, I purge myself to the point of exhaustion hoping nothing but giving what the students deserve whenever they go to school. I won’t claim perfection because clearly, flaws are part of who we are as normal human beings. But, what I lack in other aspects, I make it up with efforts and sincerity with whatever I do.
There is this dream however that seems to be elusive until now. That is, publishing my own book. Perhaps, with more training and more inspiration, I can finally finish the book that I am working on. If that becomes a reality, then all my efforts being a teacher would not be futile.
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There is somehow a marvel with the cadence of life. When we were born, there was this wonder and celebration. Then when somebody dies, there is this grief and lamentation. During moments of triumphs, shouts of exhilaration. During times of disenchantments, cries of anguish and bitterness. The tempo goes on like a rhythm of an old song.
The journey of life may be challenging, exhilarating, or simply frustrating. But, that's the beauty of it. Those are the flavors that make each day meaningful and unforgettable.
I remember as a child, I would sit on the windowsill trying to grasp why do people need to experience pains and sorrows. Why not just happiness? I found the answers several years ago. Pain then became my constant companion. But, at the end of the tunnel, I found the light of hope.
Now, I understand more why pain is part of life. Getting hurt makes you understand the reason for life. I understand why I needed to taste the bitterness of disappointments. That was for me to brace myself for anything that may happen in the future.
Year 2007 when I made a life changing decision. I think from that on, I learned everything that I needed to comprehend about life. I won’t be enumerating them since until now, I am still in the process of putting them into actions. But, my point is, the second life that I have become more meaningful because of that crossroads.
Though the moments of sorrows, disappointments, grief’s and regrets continue to hound me even after successfully weathering the odds, the strength and faith I have gained from that experience keep me as a survivor.
Now, I have just made another major decision. What makes this different from before? I am armed with the knowledge that whatever happens, I would survive in one piece. I know that deep in my heart, I have committed myself into service and purged myself into offering the best of me. I know that with the rhythm of life, something better and brighter is waiting for me in the future. After all, Victor Marie Hugo said, "hope is the only word written in the brows of every man". With that, I keep my fingers crossed.
