As futile as it may sound, I want to say sorry for constantly blaming you in everything bad that happened to me. It seems such a long time ago when I started doing it that I lost count of the instances I needed to blame you so as to feel better.
I vividly remember that first time I was crying feeling so despondent when I was about six years old because of being scolded by my brother. I blamed you then. At my age, I was thinking that ‘God’ could do everything so you must be responsible for my pain.
That time when my mother brought me to this rich relative and she was showing off high-tech appliances, I blamed you then. Why did you not make us richer so we could have things like what they enjoyed?
When my two sisters and I had chicken pox and I had the most severe case, I blamed you then. How could you see me suffering with all the blisters on my little body?
During one of the times that I was walking on the way to school, and my shoe opened up. I looked up and sighed blaming you again. Why couldn’t you give me enough to have a decent life?
When disappointments over family matters came in succession and I was feeling helpless to do anything about them, I blamed you then. I was old enough to understand things but not wise enough to acknowledge you had nothing to do with our problems since we were responsible for our own actions.
During one essay writing contest and I was praying so intently to win because of the prize and I failed, I blamed you then. How could you deny me of the very things I needed so badly?
When I had barely enough to finance my college education, I blamed you then. How could you repudiate something I was dreaming of since I was a kid?
On that cold night of December 19, 2002, when I got home from a grand Christmas party and I saw my father lifeless in his room covered with a blanket, I blamed you then. I was too angry. Why did you not even let me say my final goodbye to him?
With tears flooding my sheet in the hospital, I blamed you then. Why did you inflict me with a silent scourge that brought me the biggest and the most profound kind of pain ever imaginable physically and mentally?
Then, came one of the biggest blows. My brother died and again I was not able to say my goodbye. With bleeding heart, I blamed you then. Why did you take him 30 minutes before we arrived in the hospital?
More disappointments. More tears. More pains. More sufferings. More blame.
However, never was it known that you leave me whenever I lay the blame on your shoulders. Never that you made me feel that I needed to take the brunt of the blows of life alone. I failed to acknowledge everything that you have done for me because I was too busy blaming you.
I forgot that with all their flaws and imperfections, you have given me a family who have accepted me and supported me in everything. I forgot that without them, I wouldn’t have survived all the ordeals of my life.
I forgot also, that I lost counts of the times that you listened to my prayers to succeed in everything I do. After that essay writing contest wherein I failed, you have given me much more than I would pray for. Medals, trophies, certificates, rare recognitions, YOU gave them all to me. There was even a time that I thought, what? I won? Really? Is God playing favorite? Too many times that winning was impossible yet you made them happen. Because of Your unfailing love for me, you have built these stairways that would pave way for my dreams in life.
I was too busy blaming you that I failed to acknowledge the wisdom of everything. Life is much more colorful and beautiful because of all those intricacies I needed to go through.
I did not only finish college but also my Masters degree. Since graduation, you did not give me any difficulty at all in looking for a job. I had my first job like a dream-a director who was like a father, school officials who are good friends, and co-teachers who made me feel many times they were proud of my accomplishments. After three days of officially resigning, you have opened another door for me to rediscover myself in my second job. Then offer came right after I submitted my resignation letter in my second job. You are too busy making me feel blessed that I lost sight of what is truly essential. Being thankful in all my blessings in life.
But, with all the blames, I never lost faith in You. You have silently held my hands to assure me that you’re busy working for what is good for me. I didn’t get all the paradise of life. But, You did make me feel that I didn’t need to go through difficult times alone.
Dear God, life is a lot better because of You. Life in the future will definitely be more challenging. Probably more pains and disappointments. Maybe my expectations will be crushed to the ground with nothing but bitter regrets left in my heart. But, I know one thing will remain constant, You.
I’m sorry for all the blames. Now, I am ready to move on in another chapter of my life. Thank you for making me strong and never giving up on me.
Love,
Your ‘Not Anymore Lost Child’
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