I was so disheartened by the message about the death of a friend's mom. I could almost taste again the stab of pain when almost six years ago, I also lost my father.
Death is a hideous enemy. Nothing could fill the void in one's heart brought by the death of loved ones. Years after still feels like yesterday. More so when you knew that he/she suffered excruciating pain brought by illness like cancer.
The paradoxical complexities of life are hard to grasp at times. Conversely, it was barely six months ago when I too, was also diagnosed with the Big C. I vividly remember that moment when in desperation I just crossed my hands and wallowed in self-pity.
I was bereft with emotions especially when asked, "What else I haven't done yet?", then I found myself amidst churning emotions and then...nothing...just emptiness knowing that I have served my purpose already.
Consequently, some welcome death as relief from agony. The gust of wind that touched one's face was sort of an assertion that somewhere out there our loved ones continue to live in a different realm...
Death is neither a grief nor a celebration. Life begins in pain and accordingly it must also end the same way.
However, life's pain is evanescent. Each of us must have that moment where everything will be left behind. It's like a dance where at the final moment we knew the steps by heart lest we will be trounced by woe.
Then, we let ourselves be engulfed by the melody of music...
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My sister woke me up from a deep slumber early today because of a phone call. It was a taxing thing to do every morning since the medicines I'm taking make me feel very sleepy. Usually, I would wake up 10 or 11 or else I would feel drowsy the whole day.
However, I opted to fight back sleepiness and answered the call. It's really nothing so I decided to go back dreaming. But the sleep became elusive so I sat down in front of the computer and check email.
Voila! The biggest surprise of the day!
Finally, I received an email answering my inquiry from the assistant director of writing center in one university in New York granting me permission to refer to their website for the book I am currently writing.
It was a humbling moment knowing there are people who are willing to help other people start their dream.
At the same time, that ember of tiny hope in my heart was ignited again into a giant flame of optimistic thinking.
Whilst some of my thoughts are not always happy moments, just the same they are thoughts that make me more appreciative of things like this.
The wind was howling as I woke up this morning. However, the bad weather did not dampen the sense of elation in my heart.
It's another day of taking medicines, feeling pang of pain and yet my heart is filled with apparent hope. Could it be because I've finished five pages yesterday for my book? Perhaps the playful bantering of words with my niece? Maybe it's the email full of encouragement from a friend?
For whatever reason, I woke up differently from the previous days. The tapestry of miseries has finally ended. For once, I could feel my heart has been lit up.
Life comprises trials and tribulations. What is important is we continue to live with hope in our heart.
See the stars at night? They will continue to light the tiny hope within me whenever I feel that the world is about to crumble. Life doesn't always have melancholic ending.
Footsteps stealthy on the stair,
Sweet-voiced carols in the air,
Stocking hanging in a row,
My heart believes there's a happy Christmas after all.
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It is so natural to declare to the whole world that you love God with all your heart whenever life is going on as planned. But, whenever life beseeched you with uncertainties and you are in constant pain, your faith is being taken into another level.
It's barely three days after I was out of the O.R but it seemed like just an hour ago when I was in agony again.
It was terrible going through the same process of being subjected to constant examination and pain.
Friends and family were there to surround me with love and prayers but the truth remains, I need to take this trudge of misery alone.
The faith resides in my heart but it is the will to see this through that's slowly unwavering.
I continuously seek for my sanctuary where I'll find peace within. Meanwhile, the solitary trek endures...
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The lights around the Christmas tree don't burn as bright
And it seemed I won't have a silent night.
Outside I hear the voices sing the sweetest sounds of caroling.
But, somehow there's a sadness in the song.
In my heart, I know that something's wrong.
It is a bit hard to get up from the bed this morning. I don't know but my heart is heavy. This has been one overwhelming year.
I'm momentarily at a loss on how to deal with this stage of my life. Undeniably, there's an emptiness within.
Six months! That was how long I was braving the odds after my major operation.
My siblings are burdened with the obligations of supporting my needs and that's what makes it doubly terrible. Physical pain is bearable but the knowledge that you are in some way a burden makes it more difficult.
I shouldn't feel this way, I know. Nobody's complaining. But there's something in Christmas spirit that purged me of emotions.
Will I see the light before Christmas? Will I feel again the melody of the Christmas carols?
The buried part of my heart remain positive. I'll see this through until the end. I won't venture again in negative thoughts.
It's a different kind of Christmas
in a different kind of world.
Even though it looks the same.
Everything has changed.
It's a different kind of Christmas.
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