The wind was howling as I woke up this morning. However, the bad weather did not dampen the sense of elation in my heart.
It's another day of taking medicines, feeling pang of pain and yet my heart is filled with apparent hope. Could it be because I've finished five pages yesterday for my book? Perhaps the playful bantering of words with my niece? Maybe it's the email full of encouragement from a friend?
For whatever reason, I woke up differently from the previous days. The tapestry of miseries has finally ended. For once, I could feel my heart has been lit up.
Life comprises trials and tribulations. What is important is we continue to live with hope in our heart.
See the stars at night? They will continue to light the tiny hope within me whenever I feel that the world is about to crumble. Life doesn't always have melancholic ending.
Footsteps stealthy on the stair,
Sweet-voiced carols in the air,
Stocking hanging in a row,
My heart believes there's a happy Christmas after all.
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It is so natural to declare to the whole world that you love God with all your heart whenever life is going on as planned. But, whenever life beseeched you with uncertainties and you are in constant pain, your faith is being taken into another level.
It's barely three days after I was out of the O.R but it seemed like just an hour ago when I was in agony again.
It was terrible going through the same process of being subjected to constant examination and pain.
Friends and family were there to surround me with love and prayers but the truth remains, I need to take this trudge of misery alone.
The faith resides in my heart but it is the will to see this through that's slowly unwavering.
I continuously seek for my sanctuary where I'll find peace within. Meanwhile, the solitary trek endures...
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The lights around the Christmas tree don't burn as bright
And it seemed I won't have a silent night.
Outside I hear the voices sing the sweetest sounds of caroling.
But, somehow there's a sadness in the song.
In my heart, I know that something's wrong.
It is a bit hard to get up from the bed this morning. I don't know but my heart is heavy. This has been one overwhelming year.
I'm momentarily at a loss on how to deal with this stage of my life. Undeniably, there's an emptiness within.
Six months! That was how long I was braving the odds after my major operation.
My siblings are burdened with the obligations of supporting my needs and that's what makes it doubly terrible. Physical pain is bearable but the knowledge that you are in some way a burden makes it more difficult.
I shouldn't feel this way, I know. Nobody's complaining. But there's something in Christmas spirit that purged me of emotions.
Will I see the light before Christmas? Will I feel again the melody of the Christmas carols?
The buried part of my heart remain positive. I'll see this through until the end. I won't venture again in negative thoughts.
It's a different kind of Christmas
in a different kind of world.
Even though it looks the same.
Everything has changed.
It's a different kind of Christmas.
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God, our Father, speak through me
so all lost souls can plainly see
not my will, but, God I seek
Your words are strong
where mine is weak.
When evil thoughts blocked my way
and giving up seems the only option,
to you God, I seek the wisdom of strength.
God edify my heart to love,
so those that hate can climb above
I know that love it is the key
So this I pray,
show love through me.
So, I say thy will be done. For whatever purpose you brought me here, my willing soul will wait till you summon me.
Holy Spirit, make me wise
feed me knowledge my heart it cries
To understand what I don't know
Please make me wise, so I may grow.
The gift of knowledge you bestowed upon me will be my anchor as I sail life.
Holy Spirit, help me trust
to lean on you, in times I must
my faith will grow each time I do
Please build my trust, my trust in you.
The spellbinding moment where I find myself at the middle of the raging sea and yet my heart is packed with complete abandonment is indeed our greatest time together.
God listen to my plea
fill me up this very day
to have the power with you to be strong
to make things right where they are wrong.
Life has a promise beyond what we could think of. Yet, for some reasons there are times that we are embraced with longing to quit what we have started.
No matter how great or small we feel, we have a giant GOD out there. Inspiring us...pulling us...pushing us...to discover the enchantment of the gift we call, LIFE.
God...thanks for listening.
As the pages of my life ran out, I will remember with tinge of nostalgic feelings the times that:
I first remember dreaming of God. At the age of six when I woke up with so much joy in my heart. The image of Jesus I dreamed about was far from the one I always saw before in our altar. He wasn't the one hanged on the cross with a suffering face. In my dream, I remember vividly dancing and singing with Him while we keep on swirling and our shriek of laughter filled the air.
I felt that I was terribly alone. August 2006, days before the grand launching of my first ever big project-the Diamond Jubilee coffee table magazine, felt like I was at the bottom of a dark pit. Everything was turning wrong and I had nobody to turn to.
My first failure. I was in grade five when I was chosen for the second time to compete in the Listening and Speaking Contest. I didn't have the vaguest idea it could be my first failure. All the other contestants who represented the school won different places except me.
My first success. I was in grade two when I experienced to be chosen as first honor of the class. It was a bitter- sweet success because the whole school year I was suffering from the hands of a very strict teacher and everything was going wrong at home. I guess, hard work pays off after all.
