A Childhood Dream

About twelve years ago, we were asked by my high school teacher to draw the things that we could envision in our future. I made it very fast though I didn't know much about drawing. Maybe it was that silent conviction that I was sure what I wanted to happen in my future.

The drawing was simple, a newspaper headline with my name - Atty. Niña Buena made it again! Obviously, I had no idea yet about the rules in headline writing before. Then on the left side was a family in a beautiful (if you can consider my drawing beautiful enough) house and car.

I had no idea chasing dreams was not that easy. If the measurement of success will fall into the category of finishing law, in my case then, I guess I failed.

But then, with how my chosen profession turned out, did I really fail? I did make it in the newspaper, radio and TV news only that not as a successful lawyer but as a teacher. My name was also into countless streamers for my feat. Let's say, I became a bit known and recognized in my craft. Will that suffice? I actually have no answer.

If the measurement of success will fall into the category of finishing law, in my case then, I guess I failed.

Years later, I've found myself with an introduction enough to blast a whole stadium. I'm a frustrated writer. Do you get it? I'm a frustrated writer...I'm a frustrated writer...I'm blah blah blah. Every cell of my body is screaming to write but then again that shadows of doubt started to plague me again.

Dreams and plans are actually different. I planned for my future 12 years ago with that simple drawing then I started having dreams. But, I never got into realizing them. Will I let the shadows cloud my fervor to make a difference? I don't think so. Not this time anyway.

I've started with a book but I can't get myself to finish it. I was stuck with 1/4 of a book I promised to budding writers.

Where will the inspiration then root from in chasing my dream? Love, that is.

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The Difference of Innocence and Naivety

With my nieces, Shayne and Trisha. 

The house is filled with a deafening silence...the clock ticks like the sound of approaching death...I look at the mountain of work waiting for me and my heart was about to burst out...then...

Hey, don't take me so seriously. Quite the contrary, I'm not back to my insignia of complex words or deep (way too deep to grasp at times) elaboration of my miseries. Neither I was beseeched again with unforeseen melancholic drama that consumed my whole being- body and spirit. Ugh! Tough.

Well, I was just mulling over some thoughts that seem to draw my attention lately. Like not doing anything worthwhile (another ugh!), getting the habit of grinning ears to ears even when my nieces are talking about something quite dramatic. (Now, that's alarming, right?)

Oh, there's another thing, thinking about words and looking at them closely. It's hard to explain but more of I'm correlating finally uses of words with daily experiences. Still not getting it? Sort of a delusion, a mirage, figments yet real.

Like when you say, "I hate you", you can not see the words yet you could feel the vehemence of the tongue. The power of the words in our lives, that's it!

If you say, "you are ignorant", well, that's mean. If you say,"you are innocent" more of an admiration. Then there's "naivety". A compliment or an insult? Well, it depends really to the speaker and the receiver.

Innocence on the other hand is a word that tends to be abused. Some would say "You are very innocent" but actually the speaker meant, "you're stupid and ignorant!". 

Conversely, children will always have that innocence in their hearts. Why do I say that?

Well, last New Year I heard mass together with my two nieces- Shayne and Trisha. The two were quiet the whole time. Then came the "offering of the sign of the peace", I kissed the two of them and when Trisha glanced in front, she saw this cute little girl. Instantly, their faces lit up. They both waved their hands. No, she's not Trisha's classmate nor a friend. They both didn't know each other.

The waving was added with that pure smile one could only surmise it came directly from the heart. Before I knew it, the little girl told Trisha she's Pauline and she's four years old, she wants to study in Trisha's school, and she "demanded" to know also Trisha's name and age. Trisha then asked the ages and names of her companions.

It was a wonder looking at them. All these happened while they were singing mass hymns, kneeling, and praying. Shayne was shy at first but ended up hugging and kissing the little girl. Everything occurred for about 15 mins. The three kids plus adult companions ended up best of friends. It was hard to separate the three kids when we were about to go home.

The kids' minds were not yet tainted with suspicions. They acted exactly with what they've felt. No second thoughts, no hesitations, no reservations. Pure Innocence.

Then there's naivety. Exactly, how can you say a person is naive?

Well, my friend, Merriam (online dictionary, that is), states that a person is naive if she is deficient in worldly wisdom or informed judgment. Sort of not yet corrupted? It could be.

Is it bad then or good to be naive? As I said, it depends on the situation really. I would love to be called naive if it means my ideology was not yet tainted but I would hate to be called naive if it means I'm being treated as an ignorant.

Let's talk about love. When you fall in love, will the innocence remain? yes, maybe. But, naivety will not. After all, it's a process where you've got to learn things that can't be found in any best-selling books. Shared moments...shared learnings...

Innocence and naivety therefore are both transient- ephemeral? yeah, exactly! As we sail through life, both will be washed away. Like footprints in the sand. As time passes by the waves of life will fade the mark. Then, kaput.

Nooooo. I won't end it like that. Not ruined really. The innocence and naivety might be gone but then the person ends up wiser, stronger and more intelligent than ever! There, that's it!

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Love

 

'Tis strange thoughts that mind was haunt, 

Brazen stance awash thy fortitude 

Naught besmeared with unsightly hope 

In deep slumbereth pierced thy mystifying reverie. 

Love is strange yet potent as a sword 

It could perforate one's heart when oblivious 

It navigates to feed thy soul 

It fills one's heart with anticipation. 

Love is indeed an ever-fixed mark 

The origin unknown yet it beckons 

To trust...to hope...total abandon 

Trenchant wound at the end has no room. 

It could lead to a zilch or magnificent ending 

It could mar one's soul beyond mending 

Yet, how one would know 

If the heart's door would not open? 

'Tis love that one feels alive 

The ember of magical sensation stirs 

The sagacity of elation burns 

Thread of passion connects two souls.

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Perfect Love in a Crazy World

Let me tell you a beautiful love story...

 

Once upon a time, the Prince met his Princess. She was the woman of his dreams while he was the man she prayed for. They met in a somewhat extraordinary way- where computer talked in a techno world. It would be apt to say a perfect match made in heaven. 

More than the physical attraction was the meeting of two minds. The Prince was an intelligent and decent guy while the Princess was an innocent clever lass. However, the happiness was short-lived.

The Prince realized he had more than his share of raw pain caused by love so he decided "he can't fall in love". Getting old alone and lonely was better than to be vulnerable again with heartache. After all, he's happy and contented with his career and to have a woman in his life might just be a headache and trouble.

The Princess being naive as she was yielded to his will. After all, her experiences to male species was only limited to age ranging from 10-12 year-old. She was made to believe also that she would just be a nuisance in his perfect world. Therefore, she deemed it necessary to remind herself over and over again why she can't fall for him.

If you are familiar with Elizabeth Barret Browning poem, "How Do I Love Thee?", here's the Princess' version.

Why Can't I Love Thee? 

Why can't I love thee? Let me count the ways. 

I can't love thee to the depth and breadth and height 

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight 

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. 

I can't love thee to the level of every day's 

Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight. 

I can't love thee freely, he's too independent for that; 

I can't love thee purely, he won't allow me in his life. 

I can't love thee with a passion, he won't yield to his heart 

In my old grief, and with my childhood's faith. 

I can't love thee with a love I seemed to lose 

With my lost saints, I can't love thee with the breath, 

Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose, 

I shall but love thee after death but not in life. 

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Journey Back Home- Naga City

The moment I learned about the death of Msgr. Jim, I knew that I needed to go home. He was more than a school director for me but more of like a surrogate father. Last week, I traveled after almost seven months back to the heart of Bicol, Naga City. During the eight-hour travel, I found myself clutching so tight the hand rail of the bus that my knuckles turned white already all the while praying intently to spare my life. (Anybody who knows the long and bumpy road going to Bicol could relate for sure to what I went through).

I found myself safe and sound back to Naga at around 6:30 p.m. I haven't even put down my bag yet but my mobile phone was already bombarded with messages coming from friends asking me what time I would be in Naga Metropolitan Cathedral (that's where the wake of Msgr. Jim was held).

My heart was filled with churning emotions. I've waited for that moment many months- to be with my friends and co-teachers. Five years is indeed long enough to call your co-workers "family". However, it made me feel sorry that I couldn't make it earlier when Msgr. Jim was still alive. He sent me text messages before inviting me to visit several affairs of the school but for some reasons I never made it.

THE GREAT SCHOOL MASTER
When I arrived in Cathedral at around 8:30 p.m., I received countless hugs from my NPS family. Their reactions upon seeing me were almost the same. Huge eyes greeted me with surprise followed by this utterance, "Niña, ika yan? My God you look so different." then hugs so tight. I should have had a camera with me to capture those moments. After the excitements ebbed away, the rivulet of tears streamed out from my eyes upon looking at the coffin of Msgr. Jim. White flowers and pictures adorned his casket. I couldn't help but to remember the last time I saw him. He told me to "take things easy and have enough rest". My pupils saw me the following day. They have this utter disbelief on their faces upon seeing me. (It made me think I must've looked like a zombie with my thin body before I left NPS for a vacation!)

Most of them said I have this glow in my eyes and I just simply looked healthy. I spent most of my times eating in my favorite restaurants with many friends.

Wednesday morning, I was still in bed when a very close friend and co-teacher, Tin-tin, called me. "Hi, Ninz. Can you give a eulogy for Msgr. tonight?" Thoughts swirled in my brain that I thought I went crazy. She was probably kidding or I was being delirious having been deprived of sleep for the previous night. "I take that as a yes. Bye and see you."

Later that afternoon, I had the time with our principal and she told me that it wasn't really formal. It would just be his family and NPS employees.

I should have known better! Msgr. Jim had a big contribution in the society so nothing would really be simple. I would speak to a large crowd! It was 8:00 p.m. when the mass started. I was sweating the whole time. A grade six pupil was the first one who delivered a eulogy. It was followed by NPS parent, a former teacher, NPS Faculty Club president, Msgr. Jim's friend and finally, it was my turn to speak.

My knees were shaking since it was my first time to speak in Naga Cathedral with a very large crowd. The next thing I knew I became oblivious to the horde of mourners. I was only thinking of the times I spent with the good director.

The following day, a mass sponsored by the NPS community was held. Right after, white balloons were released by the pupils in his remembrance. I was one of those few people who remained inside the Cathedral as his coffin was brought out for the motorcade going to Holy Rosary Major Seminary. It was Fr. Jay, one of NPS teachers, who closed the coffin. The motorcade was equally touching. I joined Mrs. Alpe (asst. principal), Mrs. Reyes (school nurse), Mrs. Olalia (principal) and her husband (Sir Alex) in the car and we listened to "The Prayer" by Celine Dion and Andrea Bocceli on the way to Major Seminary where Msgr. will be buried.

That afternoon, another mass was held with the Archbishop of Caceres as the main celebrant. I guess around 30-40 priests attended his funeral. He was buried near the Risen Chapel of the Seminary. It was a very solemn celebration. Msgr. Jim for 23 years served as an emblem of a paragon father to countless people. The Archbishop simply called him, the great school master.

Our Dear Msgr. Jim, may you have blissful rest in your journey with God.

ESCAPADES WITH PAO
I took that opportunity also to spend time with people who touched my life in many ways during the time that I was ill. Pao was one of them. She's a twelve- year-old girl who's the eldest daughter of our principal.

Pao became close to me when she attended summer class in Journalism where I was the teacher. She was with me when I was admitted in the hospital and she told me before she left, "Teacher, dawa po dai ka na magtaba basta mabuhay ka lang", (Teacher, even if you don't gain weight anymore as long as you live). I had lunch with her in Jollibee and we just chat the whole time. She's a bit matured at her age. Perhaps it was also because she's the eldest in the family. Pao made me realized what I've been missing the whole time, just a moment to let me know I'm on the right track and the friendship I had with her was sort of an affirmation to this.

POIGNANT MOMENT
I always thought that I was tough as a teacher. I was really strict that the classes I have handled were consistently awarded as the Most Disciplined class. It never entered my mind that I would formed a bond with pupils or anybody for that matter. My foremost concern was always that of discipline.

Thus, it was a wonder how I touched the life of an-eleven-year old boy. He was my pupil last year and a transferee from another school in Manila. I always knew that he was an intelligent boy. But in the first quarter he only ranked 22nd among 36 pupils. I found it my responsibility as a class adviser to give the "push" that he needed in order to excel. I talked to him several times encouraging him. Little by little he was able to make it on top. Now, he shines not only in academics but in co-curricular as well. He just won first place in Regional Writing contest.

Although, I always thought that I've just done my responsibility as his teacher, his parents thought otherwise. In many ways, they showed me their gratitude for helping their son adjust to his new environment. I had the opportunity to have lunch with both his mom and dad last Friday. It was a beautiful feeling knowing that your efforts as a teacher were appreciated.

It was so touching that they recognized me as a significant part of their son's life. On the way out of Star Mark (the restaurant where we ate), his mom gave me a card which will forever inspire me as a teacher. Let me share with you this memorable message from the card:

Dear Teacher Niña,
You deserve all the good things that's coming your way, and I know how much this means to you. You've looked forward to this moment for a long time. You've worked toward it (and you've worried about it)... and now it's finally here! I don't know of anyone who's worked and planned as hard or used their talents as well. You know how to set goals, use your time wisely, and get things done right.

You may not think those are unusual traits, but they are! You know what you want to achieve and you go after it-one step at a time. You work around the obstacles in your way, and don't let small setbacks discourage you. So it isn't at all surprising you've met your goal. Everyone who knows you knows you were meant to succeed... and a lot of people have been pulling for you.

Your positive outlook is contagious, and your determination is an inspiration to everyone around you.

From the Mom:
Thank you for touching his life in a special way. Thank you for that inspiration only you can impart. And thank you for being a part of us. We were not only able to find a school in NPS but we were able to find a home.

I shared this message not to brag but to let others feel the inspiration burning in my heart as well. This family gave me a "special gift" that made me thankful I chose the teaching career.

THE BRIDAL SHOWER
It was a bit ironic but for some reasons, I just found myself giving messages in front of a crowd during my visit in Naga. The last one was with the bridal shower of my friend and a co-teacher, Shiela. It was held Friday afternoon (Right after my lunch date with my pupil's parents). Shie's groom to be was also a friend and former classmate in grade school.

Giving a message for her was sort of a realization also- I'M GETTING OLD ALREADY! Shie and Chad best wishes and congrats!

SPECIAL NIGHT WITH MA
Ma gave me a special dinner in one of the coziest restaurant in Naga, Oyster Villa, on my last night of stay there. We used to eat in that place before whenever Rez would visit. After several months had the chance to eat again my favorite buttered chicken and pancit.

It was indeed a visit worth remembering in my whole lifetime. I'm glad I was given the gift of a second life to savor every moment now. Thanks to my brother and sisters who answered my needs without asking anything in return. I owe them a lot and of course to God, Our Father.

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